My life

Lots of years past since I've written on this blog,

I now feel more comfortable to write in English so sorry for those who do not speak English fluently.

Lots of years and lots of bad shits happened to me, not here to find compassion anyway no one read this blog... I am here just to let it out. 

Firstly, I had a perfect boyfriend and I did let him go because I am living in Perth now and a long-distance relationship was too hard to handle for me. Now he is happy and in love, which I am very glad because he deserves it but it hurts, it hurts because I haven't found someone as true as him. Everyone kinda disappoints me at one point. I had a few things with other boys and no one was worth it. 

Secondly, my family got turned apart, even more, that it was already... who knew this could happen? My stepmom broke me with her statements, saying that my sister and I were the most horrible persons on earth and that our main activity was obviously making her life miserable. I cannot understand why someone would think about such bad things about other people and without even thinking about how they would take it. Because I took it really personally and now still think that I am a very bad person and that I need to justify myself for everything that I do or have. I lost the person I was years ago because now I think twice about what I say because I am scared of what people might think of me. Maybe I am a bad person, maybe I do not deserve what I have and I need to justify myself for everything? Maybe I do not deserve any kind of love and I should stay alone and insecure forever? I do not really know why it happens to me and how to get out of this way of thinking, that's how fucked up I am. Seeing a psychologist does not help because she tells me lots of things and I listen I try to think differently but I am still broken inside. I am seeing someone lately and I am so scared of what he thinks and what he might do (leave me) that I ask myself all those questions and try to make him stay as much as possible but it should not work like that, why do I desperately need someone to be there? Why can't I go through my shits alone? I was not like before I needed no one and I was loved by a lovely man and I had everything. Now I have nothing, not even self-esteem, not even the possibility of thinking that someone might love me the way I am because even my close family did not, because I've been a monster my whole life apparently and even if  should not listen to her it hurts, it hurts so much and my dad is still with her, I know he does not think the same way about me but it still hurt because she broke me and my dad apparently picked side and it was ours but I am not too sure now. he also said recently that I was suicidal, which is not true, I am maybe at my worst but I would never commit suicide NEVER and telling that to people from her is the worst thing ever, what does she want? That I commit suicide? Telling that to people she does not even friend with while her daughter said today that she was not suicidal anymore... Guess she needs to check with her relatives before checking on me. 

I do not what to do to feel better and different, to build myself again out of all of this life where the only supportive people are my sister and some of my friends. A life where my parents do not realise that I have been more an adult than they did. A life where I can remember my childhood because yeah it was so messed up that my brain erased anything from 10 years to 16 years old, I do not even remember my parents together and I was 11 when they split up. A life where I am not lost in my thoughts, and not anxious about stupid things and about being left out about people I love. A life where I can be 20 and not always have to deal with problems and expectations. I feel like being sad and crying is being weak and that I cannot feel bad and feel sad because people will take advantage of me. I cried while writing this, but not as much as I would have liked to because I do not usually cry and I need to. 

Anyway this getting way too long, not that anyone will read it. 

-Kisses  M-